trust me bitch, 

another day passed, cny over for now.

Hello Lovelies.

im so dead bored.

first & foremost.
i just wanna say thanks to you guys.
for the support and concern.

i'am doing well for now.
still sick and still feeling sick.
no signs of recovering at all.
sooon i guess.

kenduri all over,
awaiting the 40days.
the ustaz handsome.
haa, turned out to be iin's friend.
sharing with gf. (:

aku jahat. haa.
i have yet to find any job yet.
still free.
happy2 first.
be with mom 1st.
(:

i passed.
yay.

thats all.
takecare.

it was shocking.
for the whole night i slept over at SGH.
every few hours i went in to the CCU to take a look at him.
he complaints, toss and turn.
with wires everywhere.
its a total pity i tell you.

he told me, "Julie,amek wheelchair ayah,ayah nak balik"
saying he wants to go home and take his wheelchair.
i didn't know which home he wanted to go to.
i told him to read prayers and told him to get well and
fight back and we can go home together.

mom came to take over my shift.
i had just fallen about 5mins ago when mom tapped me,
saying his condition worsen.
i felt worst.
doctor said they need to put him to sleep and shock him.
as a nurse, you tell me, how hurtful it is.
the whole day, 4 times they shock him.
tell me, isnt he suffering? then, he had mild stroke.
his speech slurred.
i felt the world is crashing on me.
he told mom, he has diffculty in talking,
he wants to talk.

each time i stepped into the room.
my tears would just run down.
i didnt want to show him my sadness.
i had a huge breakdown at night.
my cuzzie sis was such a kay-po!
and i burst out. i shouted, i cried.
just like i did when i was in primary school.
venting everything out.

i know that i would lose him anytime.
but i was praying hard he gets well and come home.
that night, the nurses didnt allow us to go in since
lots of my cuzzins went to visit him.
i saw him mumbling in the air.
its such a pity i tell you,really2.
how depress,heartbroken to see him in that condition.
and i believe my dad is such a strong man.

at 430am,doc said his bp is way low.
his unconscious. and they can't do anything anymore.
only thing his heart is still pumping.
my mother was really helpless.
she was in total sadness and while i was calling my aunts.
she drop down. she was drained out.
i know i had to be strong, i told her its all suratan.

i tried my very3 best not to let tears run down.
but i failed.
im such a failure. i see my mom sobbing hard.
everyone with tears.
i broke down again. gf & bf was there w me.
it really2 hurts me to see him in that condition.
its sucks to the core.
mom told him to mengucap, bace2 everything.
and mom told me, tears ran down.
but his unconscious but he can still hear us.

my cuz bro rushed us when his heartrate started dropping.
i hold his hands. and i prayed hard.
we read prayers for him.
and out of a sudden, less then 1min,
his heartrate, 0. and machine started beeping.
from that moment, i knew.
i lost my daddy.
i ran out of the room, and i burst on gf shoulder.
i never thought things would turn out this way as it is.
my energy was drained, i felt so dizzy.
i knowed his sufferings are over.
after 13yrs of all the suffering for him, its over.

the nurses told us to enter. the last time we get to see him.
i kissed him,for the very last time.
he was like sleeping peacefully.
muke dia tenang in other words.
he gets to see evryone he wanted to see.
tears refuse to stop flowing.

settled everything.casket.
reach home, cleaning dad for the last time.
and i was finding for my bf,
i didnt know where he went.
then 1 of my cuz said,
bf was helping w the cleaning up.
and i was kinda surprised.
unexpected.

mom was not allow to follow to cemetry.
so the sisters went.
went to mesjid darussalam for friday prayers.
then straight to cemetry.
i was standing so near when burying.
i was stnding near the head.
i saw everything.
its so hard to let me dad go.
i know i have to, but its hard.
my cuzbro lend me his shoulder.
and he told me to be strong.
i still remembered vividly those moments.

back home for thalil.
and my 1st sister and bro inlaw slept over.
+ bf.
the 1st night sucks.
i missed him terribly.
i cried myslf to sleep.

and the other nights, i read prayers for him.
bt i had sleepless night.
i kept remembering him at the hospital,at home,at the cemetry.
just everything.
yest had another kenduri.
and this coming thurs.
anyone is free, you could just come over.

now, i only have my mom.
i need her,and shes my everything.
you know,my house is usually quiet.
unless my godbros or my niece is here.
if nt, it would be so quiet just like ghostown.
now, it would be quieter.
just me and mom in a huge house.
how?
i'll adapt to it soon.

out of the 2 sisters i have,
i know, my dad pampered me the most.
they're still my sister related to dad.
i only have 1 mom ohkay.
trust me, you can never find another dad like him in this world.
everything i ever asked for,he would buy it for me.
since i was a little kid.

each time i would want something, i wouldnt budge frm there
till i get it.
if not, i would make a scene.
so,everything i want, i would still get it.
by hook or crook, i'll get it, trust me.
till now, i have this attitude. its already stucked.
and dad loved me the most.
he doesnt need to tell me, but i would know.

but, i hadnt fulfill his wish.
he wanted me to have my driving license.
it would be nice if hes still arnd seeing me pass my TP.
but, his gone too early, even bfore i pass anything.
next, he wants me to continue to study, just study and study.
he puts aside money just for me to further my study.

which dad would do that?

he never beat me before, he never shout at me before.
he never scolded me upside down before.
my dad is superb. totally.

enough of all this sadness.
i'am learning to let go.
semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat.

sorry to my friends. i really2 thought you guys wouldnt bother.
+ i forget about telling you guys.
but, i was wrong.
thanks for the concern.
just a huge thanks to each and every one of you there.
its really2 much appreciated.

ariff,azhar, thanks for coming down on that time itself.
muyas,yaya, thanks for coming down yest for kenduri.

i appreciate it lots.
the tags,the msges,the calls.
thanks you guys.

and to bf, tyvm for everything.
acmpying me at the hospital.
helping to uruskan everything.
the kenduri.
thank you so much bf.
im blessed to have a bf like you.
thank you nazree. ily.

and to gf, thanks truckloads for being there for me
for all those moments.
comforting me and such.
helping me.
thanks you truckloads.
youre appreciated.
thanks gf. ily.

takecareppl, yea?

julie rindu sangat dengan ayah.
julie sayang ayah.

time check: 0635hours.
current location: SGH.

daddy got admitted. and im praying hard he gets well.
its such a pity to see him in that condition.
plus, it saddens me like nobodys business.
well. i love my daddy,of course. :(

i volunteered to takecare of daddy.
so, im wide awake currently now.
and lucky thing, i got my precious boy accmpying me.
boo. im so sleepy. seriously.
i only had half hr of sleep throughout the whole night.

mommy's coming soon to take over shift.
*yawns*

takecare ppl.

tell me who should i go to when i have problems?

GOODBYE 2008, HELLO 2009.